Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
