I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
