Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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