Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
