Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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