put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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