can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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