I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
