Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
