I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize