I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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