I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
