I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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