So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
