I think my fart just growled at me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize