No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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