worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize