Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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