Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
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