In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
