I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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