Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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