Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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