my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
