somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
