he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize