they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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