I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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