I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
