Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
