jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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