I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
