See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
