Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
