after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
