Apparently you make a good broom.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
