I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
its liver damage thursday
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