you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
