that's an acceptable place to lick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
