doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
