I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Fuck appropriateness.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
