Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
