Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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