doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
