i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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