It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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