I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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