remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
