You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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