I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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