Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
