I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
