You can't motorboat a personality
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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