I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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