She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We're too hungover to prance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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