If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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